The Soft Side of Leadership

When I was growing up some preachers, especially visiting evangelists, had a barnstorming style…they pounded the pulpit while railing against sin, pointed their finger at the congregation to make a point, threatened the fires of hell, and sometimes used the Bible as a whip to bring people to repentance. I heard someone call this style "dangling people over hell on a rotten stick." I can't count the number of altar calls I responded to during summer camps when I was a kid. I got saved between the ages of seven and fifteen at least a hundred times. And I probably needed it!

Some of you may have had a similar experience. I'm not here to tell anyone how to preach, but I'm glad that style has fallen out of favor. It can be easy to forget that we leaders are not herding cattle. I think it is wise for us to consider how our leadership needs to have a softer side.

Recently I was honored to be one of the speakers at Patrick Clements' Homegoing celebration. Pat was one of my closest friends and in many ways an example of what true leadership is all about. Pat was not my pastor or my mentor, he was my friend, a buddy. But just being who he was spoke volumes to me and changed me in ways that needed change. Pat was relational, would listen, projected love and acceptance and was always affirming.

But Pat was not always the kind of leader he grew to be. He told me that early in his career he was cocky, somewhat arrogant, dismissive of others, and as he put it, "a downright butt-head." But life can be a great teacher if we are committed to be like Christ. Our methods can change. Pat was proof of that. At his celebration were dozens of church leaders from all over the United States that had been touched and influenced by Pat in deep ways. I did not hear one of them talk about Pat's excellence in finance or the technical ways he performed his job of granting loans to hundreds of churches through the organization he built. Instead, I heard them talk about the personal relationship they had with him. Pat had learned to be a servant, a leader with a heart for others, relational, in tune with the mission for which he was called.

When I was doing my master's degree in counseling at University of Santa Clara, part of my assignment (and a big chunk of my grade) was to do counseling sessions at a juvenile detention center where, with permission of the counselees, I would record the sessions and take them back to my professors to evaluate. With my first set of tapes, the response from my professors was, "Bill, you are not listening! You're giving a lot of advice, telling, talking, but you are failing to hear what these kids are saying." | was then sent back to do it again.

It was an important lesson. Over time and a lot practice, I did learn how to listen (something my wife sometimes questions), but I have tried to put into practice the soft skills necessary, if I am going to effectively influence those I am called to lead, whether it is my family, my employees, my friends, or my neighbors. Good listening is not only hearing, but listening with our eyes, with our heart, asking clarifying questions, letting the person know we're hearing what they say, and showing some genuine emotion, empathy, and love. It is vital in developing soft leadership skills.

I have another close friend who has influenced me in similar ways as Pat. Through a spiritual accountability couples group that we were invited to join, Gene and Marylou Habecker have become cherished friends. Gene is one of the most gifted and humble leaders of our time. While he is the former President of the American Bible Society and former President of Taylor University, he feels his first calling is helping others become effective leaders. Today, he mentors hundreds of young aspiring leaders through teaching graduate classes at Regent University, Baylor University and online.

He's authored a bestselling book, "The Softer Side of Leadership" that has touched many lives. In his book he tells a story that shows what a powerful tool being a "soft" leader is in influencing others:

"Early in my career I had the idea that leaders needed to be stoic, emotionally disciplined, and in control at all times, especially in front of the public. People who reflected emotion were to be viewed as weak leaders. However, as I have become more seasoned in my experience as a leader, I have come to realize that human emotions- grief, friendship, admiration, affection, love, humility- are what make us more relatable to others. I can no longer separate my feelings from my leadership duties. This is what happens when I embrace soft skills. Let me illustrate.

"During one of our commencement exercises at Taylor University, we had the immense privilege of having Dr. John M. Perkins— a famous civil rights leader who had endured various kinds of difficulty, even brutality, during the early days of the civil rights movement-deliver the address. It fell to me to introduce this dear friend to our audience of thousands of students, parents, siblings, grandparents, faculty, administrators, and board members. I stepped to the podium in a state of hesitancy, wondering how it would be possible to do an adequate job of summarizing the life of this man who was at once a father, husband, pastor, patriot, teacher, author, social activist, and counselor. I turned and cast my eyes on this noble human being, who at age eighty-five was still sharp-minded and bold-voiced.

"But as I looked at him, memories flooded back to me of how on February 7, 1970, he had been arrested by white deputies during a civil rights demonstration. The deputies had thrown him to the floor of the Brandon jail and had kicked him, punched him, stomped on him, and then left him bloodied, bruised, and broken, offering no medical help and not caring if John died in his cell that night.

"But instead of filing lawsuits and seeking revenge, this dear saint of God spent the next thirty years in all-out efforts of reconciliation among peoples of all races… He started daycare centers, after-school programs, church outreach ministries, food banks, and employment training facilities. He wrote nine books that advocated love, forgiveness, cooperation, and fellowship.

"I had a "John the Baptist experience" in that moment, feeling I wasn't worthy of lacing this man's sandals; yet here I was sharing the dais with him and being given the honor of presenting him to our audience. A lump formed in my throat. Tears came to my eyes. How unfair it was that someone so gracious and loving had been treated so viciously, yet still was able to emerge with love and warmth for all people. I was awestruck by his life. I was humbled by his strength. I was mesmerized by his stamina, will, and vision. I could not speak for several moments.

"Those in the audience resonated with my feelings and were quietly respectful of my loss of composure. No one spoke. No one fidgeted. No one got up and left. Finally, John smiled at me and nodded, and I lifted the microphone to my mouth and joyously welcomed him to our university and to the day's festivities. By my transparency, John knew and the audience knew my feelings, and no one thought any less of me for my moment of genuine, honest emotion." In that moment, Gene's silent genuine emotion said more to that audience and to Dr. Perkins than any words he may have used to describe the man he admired. In saying nothing, but showing his emotions, he said volumes.

Of course, the greatest example of soft skills is Jesus. One of the most powerful scriptures is found in John 11, the one with two words, "Jesus wept," the story about Jesus being deeply touched by Mary's grief. "Lord," she said while sobbing, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Then, "when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved…"

Jesus showed soft relational skills in many ways beyond weeping with those who weep -- blessing little children, going to sinners homes to have a meal, stopping along the way to touch a blind man or a leper, sitting on the hillside to share stories that illustrated God's Kingdom, defending the woman caught in adultery, chatting with the Samaritan woman at the well, appearing on behalf of Thomas in the upper room to let him put his finger in his wounds, taking the time to listen to Nicodemus' genuine, heart longing questions about being born again. Throughout his earthly life, Jesus showed his humanness, his relational skills, his compassion.

Soft skills are powerful ways to influence those we lead. I have developed a yearly habit that I have found helpful. Each New Year, rather than having a New Year's resolution (which I would usually break with the next batch of cookies coming out of the oven). I now pick a single word and resolve to practice the essence of that word throughout the year. Words like "affirmation," "listening," "patience."

During the "affirmation" year, I tried to find someone every day to affirm. My wife lovingly suggested my "patience" year (during COVID) may need a repeat. My word this year is "gratitude," being genuinely grateful, especially for the people God has placed in my sphere of influence.

It starts by being aware of the people that are in our lives. Really seeing them, really listening to them. Maya Angelou wrote, "People will forget what you said or what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Bill Carmichael is a retired ordained minister in the Oregon Ministry Network. He is the founding publisher of Deep River Books and author of several books. He has five children and fourteen grandchildren and lives with his wife, Nancie, in Sisters, Oregon. He can be reached at bill@deepriverbooks.com.